Stop! In The Name Of Pants!
by emz-f500
Summary: Fab NEW confessions of Georgia Nicolson. Set after LIAMTT. Follow Georgia as she chooses between her Italian cakey and Dave the Tart. Will she make it to Pizza-a-gogo land to see her Luuurve god? Another crazy diary of Georgia's mad life!
1. A Note From Georgia

**Disclaimer: Quite clearly I am not Louise Rennison. If I was, I wouldn't post my ideas of geniosity on the internet! I don't own Georgia, just the mayhem I make her create!**

**A Note from Georgia**

My Dearest Pallies, (And Hamburger-a-gogo Groovesters!)

Well, I am back! It is because I luuurve you all dearly that I un-strap myself from the rack of love, crawl out of my bed of pain and give you 'Stop! In the Name of Pants!'

Finally! I hear you cry, but as I have explained to anyone who will listen, i.e. no one, it is so vair, vair tiring being the girlfriend of a Luuurve God and constantly being on high glamosity alert, should he reappear from Pizza-a-gogo Land to whisk me away!

How can I be expected to listen to Jas prat on about voles and owl poo, and still have the time to create diaries of genius, literarywise?

I only pray to Our Lord Sandra and the almighty Buddha that they give me the strength to carry on!

Luuurve,

Georgia xxx

Ps. it seems that the Hamburgese are still struggling with Ye Old English, such as 'chuddie' (Chewing Gum) and 'geogers' (Geography). So, out of the kindness of my heart, Yours Truly has added a glossary (a collection of words, you tits) at the back of the book. Let it never be said that I am ignorant of Loon Culture.

So, we are away laughing on a fast camel!


	2. Back On The Rack Of Luuurve

**Disclaimer: Yet again, I'm not Louise Rennison and I still don't own Georgia!**

**Back On The Rack Of Luuurve**

**Saturday July 30****th  
**** 11.50 p.m.**

Somehow managed to find my way back to the tent and crawled into my sleeping bag. Dear Gott in Himmel, for a girl, Rosie snores LOUD. She's almost worse then Libby or Vati, and that's saying a thing or two.

How, in the name of Blimey O' Reilly's novelty sunglasses and handlebar moustache did I end up snogging Dave the Laugh? Again. I thought I had picked my nice Italian cakey and eschewed my red-bottomosity with a firm hand? Apparently not.

** 5 minutes later**

I can't be expected to sleep beside hurricane Rosie and with matters of love on my mind. I shall just have to… Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

**Sunday**** July 31st  
**** Morning**

I was awoken at the crack of eight a.m. by some inconsiderate ruckus outside the tent. I nearly died of fright when I opened my eyes and saw something furry on my face. Thinking it was one of Jas' 'friends' the voles, I screamed and tried to swat it away. Luckily, or un-luckily, however you look at it, it turned out to be Rosie's beard. It had gotten stuck to my face during the night and looked like someone had poured Miracle-Gro onto my eye-brows.

My encounter of the bearded kind had woken Rosie and Jools up too, so we had all crawled out of the tent to see what the hullabaloo was.

The others had already begun the deconstruction of their tents. Finally! Back to civilisation!

I could hear Nausiating P. Green struggling and huffing trying to fold her tent up. Miss Wilson was inside Herr Kamyer's tent and she was helping him to take the poles apart.

I said to Rosie "Oo-er, Herr Kamyer's finally got Miss Wilson in his tent!"

Herr Kamyer chose then to have one of his famous comedy moments. He said, "Yah, Yah Miss Wilson, keep going. I zink it is nearly there!"

Good Lord we are subjected to elderly porn. Erlack!

Jas had her tent all packed up and she skipped over and said in a smug way, "You better get a move on. You'll never get it folded up correctly before the bus comes."

I said, "Have you packed your special toothbrush mug?" and she ran off to check.

** 20 minutes later**

The tent was harder to get back down then it was up. The poles had this naff elastic thing that stopped them from falling down. Every time Rosie wrestled it apart, it would spring back. Her beard was lop-sided on her face and her hair was all on end like a Mohawk. I hate the so-called 'Great Outdoors'.

** 10**** minutes later**

Jas took pity on us and took down our poles for us. We haphazardly stuffed the whole thing back into its bag and tied up the sticky out bits with a pair of Jool's tights.

Jas said, "Don't just stuff it in! You need to fold it up a certain way. Me and Tom took a course on how to…"

I said, "Jas?"

"Yes?"

"Shut up or I will stuff you in there too."

** 2 minutes later**

Jas has the hump with me. She stalked off to get some last pictures of twig land and I didn't even laugh when she tripped on a badger hole. That is how much I care. Mrs. Huffy Knickers wouldn't even talk to me when I offered her my last Rolo.

** 10 minutes later**

Miss Wilson gathered us around to give a little speech about how well the weekend had gone, before the bus arrived.

Herr Kamyer said, "Yah, girls. Danke schon for the gut weekend, yah! It reminded me of das gut summers in Germany as a young boy!"

Miss Wilson said, "Girls you all were so well behaved I think we will have to look into taking Eleven A camping again". Save us all.

Strangely enough, some people cheered and clapped.

** 30**** minutes later**

I sat beside Rosie on the bus. Jas went and sat beside Nauseating P. Green and the two of them chatted like old mateys the whole way home. Ellen kept dithering about Dec.

"Do you, I mean, think that, erm, he likes me… I mean, or something?" Some things never change.

** Back in Civilisation A.k.a. ****Stalag 14**

After we had found our bags and said goodbye to Herr Kamyer and Miss Wilson, we all trudged down the hill. Before we went our separate ways, we did a quick bout of disco inferno dancing and gave each other the klingon salute.

I had to walk the rest of the way home with Jas. She tried to out walk me by doing the strange bum wiggle thing that I see the elderly loon women doing out the window. Don't they know they look foolish? I caught up to her and gave her my best smile.

I said, "Jas you are my best pally wally. Please forgive me."

"No."

"But if you don't forgive me, how can I tell you what happened with Dave the Laugh?"

She seemed to be listening then. I explained all the 'and that is why I love you' business and about the snogging.

She said, "But I thought you wanted Masimo to be your one and only?"

"I do, Jas."

"Well then why did you snog Dave the Laugh?"

Good point. Well made.

** At Home, In Bed**

The Swiss Family Mad weren't home when I arrived. Typico. Their eldest daughter returns from trekking through the Amazon rainforest and nobody cares enough to greet me when I return. Actually, Angus was standing at the door and cuddled into my leg a bit. He's rather sweet when he's not terrorising the neighbours.

There's a bit of a pong in my room but I am afraid to look and see what it might be. Libby has been known to wee in people's rooms. Or worse.

** 4****.00 p.m.**

I have just started my beauty routine. Face mask, cleanse, tone and moisturise. Who knows what kinds of toxins can be found in the country air?

** 4.05 p.m.**

Sitting in bed, with a face mask on. I wonder when Masimo will phone. He did say that he would ring me from Pizza-a-gogo. Maybe there's a time difference and it is the middle of the night there and he is waiting for a more sensible hour.

** Five minutes later**

Worked out that Italy is only one hour ahead of England. So it is the middle of the day there too. I wonder why he hasn't phoned.

** 2**** minutes later**

Dave the Laugh would say it is because he had to go to a handbag convention. Which _is _quite funny.

** Thirty seconds later**

How did Dave the Laugh get in here? Why do I always think of Dave the Laugh when I am supposed to be concerned only with Luuurve Gods?

** 3 minutes**** later**

And why do I snog him when I want Masimo to be my one and only?

** 2 minutes later**

Well he is quite fit looking.

** 1 minute later**

And he does do nip libbling.

** 2 minutes later**

And he is a good laugh. Good Lord Sandra, I better strap myself back onto the rack of love.

** 20 minutes later**

The front door has just banged and I can hear Mutti and Vati downstairs. Maybe I should go down and remind them that they do indeed have two daughters.

** 15 minutes later**

Yes, yes and thrice yes!! Mutti has said that I can go to Pizza-a-gogo land! Her and Vati went to go book the tickets today! I am trés excited! Mutti has said that she has always wanted to go sightseeing in Rome and that it will be just me and her. The downside is that we will only be there for 5 days and I won't be able to stay with Masimo and his family, but still it is marvy news!

** Phoned Jas**

"Jas."

"Oui."

"Guess what."

"You've fallen down the loo and gotten stuck again?"

_Sacré Bleu_.


	3. They Must Be Doing The Macarena

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the 'Confessions' characters**

**They Must Be Doing The Macarena**

**Monday 1****st**** July  
****7.30 a.m.**

I was awoken at some un-Godly hour (7 a.m!) by Libby launching herself into my bed with me, complete with scuba-diving Barbie, Pantalitzer doll and Jesus/Sandra. She did that terrifying smiling thing and said, "Heggo Ginger, Gingey, my Gingey. I miiiiiiiissed you!"

And then she introduced me to her new 'fwend', which basically meant throwing it at my head. I couldn't help but notice that it was one of those plastic gnomes that daft people use as garden ornaments. It was covered in bite and claw marks. It looked a lot like the ones that Mr. Across the Road uses…

**45 minutes later**

What fresh hell?

Mr. Across the Road came storming over demanding to know what happened to his garden gnome. I calmly explained that Angus hears the call of the wild and he cannot help it if he thinks that gnomes are his prey. Mr. Across the Road then turned a most un-ravishing shade of puce.

He shouted, "That thing is a menace! I shall report it to the council!" And then he stormed off again. Rave on.

**In my ****Bedroom  
****4.00 p.m.**

No sign of any lurking lurkers. Now just a bit of light tweezing to rid myself of any stray orang-utan genes.

**30 minutes later**

Mutti barged into my room.

"Georgia, have you nicked my tweezers again? I can't find them and I have my step aerobics class in half an hour."

Has she no shame? Imagine Mutti's nungas nunga-ing about in a step aerobics class. It's a miracle she hasn't taken her eye out with those things already.

**6.00 p.m.**

Feeling a bit peckish. I think I'll go down a fix myself a nice nutritious meal to keep my strength up.

**5 minutes later**

There was one mouldy fish finger in the freezer.

**10 minutes later**

Eating toast.

**Thursday 4****th**** July  
****3.00 p.m.**

Phone rang.

I was busy trying out Mutti's new eyelash curlers. She gets into such a tiz when I borrow them. But as I have said, she shouldn't leave them lying around in the back of her underwear drawer under all those boxes if she didn't want people to use them.

Eventually, when it became clear that the so-called adults were too busy with their fruitless lives to bother answering, I ran down and picked it up.

I said, "Good afternoon, Mad Headquarters. Georgia speaking."

"Ah, _ciao_ Georgia, caro."

Oh _merde._

It was Masimo.

Calling from Pizza-a-gogo land.

And I hadn't even washed my hair.

**2 minutes later**

When I had regained my composure, I said, "Hnngghhh."

Which is good if you are speaking to small animals, or Libby.

"Georgia, I hope it is, how you say, okay that I am calling."

I said, "Yes, it's alrighty, as alrighty as… well three alrighty thingys…" Shutup shutup shutup.

"Ah, si. So you know if you can come visit with me and my family in Italia, si?"

"Eh yes. My mum is taking me to Rome for a few days, so I will be able to visit you."

"Caro, that is good news, si?"

"Eh si, it is good news."

Then we had a nice little chit chat. He mostly talked while I said 'si' a lot. That was until the bearded one wandered into the hall and went ballisticissimus.

He said, "Georgia, get off that bloody phone. I am paying the bill for that. Go and talk about mascara and ruddy lipgloss in person!"

**4.20 p.m.**

Yessss! Masimo has said that when I get to Rome he will come and collect me on his scooter and bring me to meet his family. I must say I am a bit nervy about meeting them. I must not let my brain run wild and free. Who knows what kind of rubbish might pop out of my mouth? I better start on my calming exercises. Ommmmmmmmmm.

**4.23 p.m.**

Probably a good thing that they don't speak English. That way if I have a minor lapse in concentration and accidentally let my brain escape, they won't know what I am saying. I will also have to find something to keep Mutti entertained while I am off with the Luuurve God.

**My Bedroom  
****8.30 p.m.**

Vati is now King of the Loons. Him and his lardy football mates have only gone and won their first match _ever_ against other physically unfit pensioners. In honour of their 'triumph', they are holding a lager party downstairs. Uncle Eddie has even brought his Baldy-o-gram costume and promised to do his routine later. Good grief.

I can hear laughing and feet trudging up the stairs. Vati and Uncle Eddie have opened my door and the two of them are standing in the doorway wheezing and hooting.

Vati said, "Wait until you hear this one Gee!"

I said, "Vati, if you and Uncle Eddie would go and share your comedy with someone else, that would be marvellous. God speed."

But Uncle Eddie just raved on. "What is a flea's favourite way to travel?" He couldn't carry on because he was laughing so hard. He grabbed the doorframe and coughed and spluttered so much I thought he was choking.

"Itch-hiking!" And the two of them went off giggling back to their 'party'. I am sure my bonkerosity comes from my parents. I mean look at Libby. She's hardly normal.

**10 p.m.**

They have turned the speakers up. I can hear them poncing and banging about. They must be doing the Macarena.

**10.30 p.m.**

I was just looking out the window watching Mr. Across the Road taking in all of his garden gnomes, when I saw Dave the Laugh. He was walking down the street with his arm around Emma. I thought I saw him look up at my window. I don't know why, but whenever I see them together I feel a bit funny. Especially when he kisses her.

**10.32 p.m.**

And he _did _say that he loved me.

**3 minutes later**

Even if it was only in a matey way.

**5 minutes later**

And I do love him.

**1 minute later**

In a matey way.

**15 minutes later**

Well then why do I feel funny when he kisses his gf?

**1 minute later**

Hmmmmmm.

**5 minutes later**

OMG!! Uncle Eddie has just come in wearing just his novelty undercrackers and singing 'You Can Leave Your Hat On'. Followed by Vati! Vati has said that he might become a Vati-o-gram like Uncle Eddie! They have no moral code.


	4. And His Undercrackers Were Furry

**Disclaimer: I don't own Georgia or any of the characters. Not even Dave the Laugh. Sob!**

**And His Undercrackers Were Furry**

**Saturday 6th July**

**Town**

**11.55 a.m.**

Met up with the ace gang outside the clock tower. Rosie is hosting a birthday party for Sven today. The odd thing is (yes, surprisingly there is only one!) it isn't even Sven's birthday. Well, to each their own.

Churchill Square is full of annoyingly dim lads as usual. They keep fighting and giving each other v signs. One even shouted, "Show us your tits!" So we just walked past, oozing glaciosity and sophisticosity from every pore. That showed them!

At least until Ellen tripped on the path and ended up flashing them her knickers.

**Boots**

The theme of the party is; Vikings. We all have to dress as Viking people so Sven won't miss Lapland, or wherever he's from. I won't be making a big effort, glamositywise, because my Luuurve God is in a different time-zone, so I've just bought base, foundation, blusher, mascara and a new lip-gloss. I can borrow something ridiculous from Mutti to wear. She dresses like a Viking most of the time anyway. Mad hair and nungas running wild and free.

**Back at Home**

**Evening**

Started tarting myself up for Ro Ro's party. I don't know why I am even bothering. I will be a third wheel and goosegog for the entire night. Oh, why did Masimo have to go to Masimo Land to see his family? Doesn't he know that I, Georgia, his girlfriend and official snogging partner, am lonely without him? Not to mention having snogging withdrawal. I fear my lips may shrivel up and fall off from under-use.

**2 minutes later**

Apart from the snog with Dave the Laugh. That doesn't count.

**5 minutes later**

Even though it was fabby.

**20 minutes later**

I have decided to try some false tan. Vikings are tanned aren't they? Well they _do_ do a lot of pillaging so they must be. Out in the Laplandian sun all day on their 'vessels'.

**10 minutes later**

Or is that pirates?

**20 minutes later**

As I was trying to smooth out the tan on the back of my shoulder, Vati came pratting into my room. I have no privacy, it's like Noel's House Party.

He said, "Georgia, I was just wondering if you need a lift to… Christ Georgia! What in the name of Auntie Mauve's oversized bottom have you done to yourself?! You look like a tangerine!"

**10 minutes later**

In the shower, washing off the tan. Quel est le point?

**In Mutti's Wardrobe**

Rummaging through Mutti's wardrobe. Honestly, why can't she be sensible? It's all lace and feathers. And that's just the nightgown department. Jas' mum wears normal clothes. I wonder if she would give Mutti a few lessons.

Hurrah! I've found a furry skirt in Mutti's drawer. I can pritt-stick some fake fur onto my three-quarter length boots.

**On the way to Rosie's**

**7.45 p.m.**

Met up with Jas and Tom at Jas' and we are heading over to Rosie's. I'm already starting to feel like a spare tit because Jas and Tom keep stopping to snog. It reminds me of the happy times when my Luuurve God was not halfway across the world.

**At the Party**

Ro Ro has done a good job of decorating. She even has two barrels with the word 'MEAD' wrote on them, but it's just Carlsberg. Everyone looks marvy in their Viking outfits and bison horns. Fur with just a hint of fur.

We had just arrived when we heard the unmistakable noise of Sven yodelling. He crashed through the front door in his furry shorts, which I noticed now had a tail and bum flap. I said to Rosie, "Why do Sven's shorts now have a bum flap?"

She said, "It stops him from having accidents." And then she ran off to snog him. But of course

There are actually a lot of people here. All the ace gang, even honorary members Honor and Soph, Rollo, Dec, Edward and a lot of people that I don't really know. I can't see Dave the Laugh anywhere. I wonder if he is coming.

Sven picked Rosie up and put her on his shoulder and started his insane dancing. He did that odd kicking thing that those Russian soldiers do. With Rosie on his back. He really IS mad.

Dec and Ellen are dancing quite close. Well, Dec is dancing; Ellen is dithering disguised as dancing. Dec has leaned in to kiss her cheek and her head has nearly dropped off from excitement. She has no sophisicosity.

**15 minutes later**

Ohmygod! Dave the Laugh has just arrived! Phwoar, he _is _fit looking! He's wearing shorts like Sven's and bison horns, and that's _it_! No wonder he can give 5th formers a duffing up, and Mark Big Gob. My legs have gone a bit jelloid.

**5 minutes later**

Emma didn't come in with Dave the L. I wonder where she is. I said that to him.

"Where's Emma?"

"She's gone to visit her granddad. Why Kittykat, are you trying to get me on my own so you can snog me senseless?"

He is such a cheeky cat!

**10.00 p.m.**

Brillopads!

We did the Viking bison disco inferno dance, to practice for Rosie's wedding in 5 years time, and even the lads joined in. Dave the Laugh even added a new move. After the huddly duddly and triumphant shout of 'HORRRRNNNNN!!' you do a kind of pelvis thrust. Vair, vair funny.

**10.30 p.m.**

Sven went around and kissed everyone on the lips, even the boys, to thank them for coming. When he got near to me, I took my chance and fled to the kitchen to get a breather and fill up on my 'mead'. I had just filled up my cup when Dave the Laugh came in.

He said, "Sex Kitty, why aren't you dancing?"

"I'm just getting a drink."

He smiled, "Well hurry up, PANTS waits for no man!" He really _is_ a laugh. And he looked really fabby in just his furry shorts, my knees went completely jelloid. Then, he took my cup and set it down on the kitchen counter. He was looking at me, and his eyes were all shiny and crinkly. He touched my cheek really softly with his hand. My brain had gone completely to mush and my lips started puckering themselves. Bad lips!

He suddenly smiled and said, "Come on Kittykat. Let's get back." No, no and thrice no! My lips had puckered themselves for nothing! In a moment of complete spontanosity, I said, "Dave, wait." And then I snogged him! He was a bit surprised, but then he did this double cool with knobs thing, he put his hands gently on my face and kind of pressed himself against me!

Just when I thought I was going to faint from all of the lip nibbling and body pressing, he pulled away. He frowned and said, "Kittykat, what are you trying to do to me?" And then he walked back to the party.

**1 minute later**

Holy moly, I just snogged Dave the L! I. Myself. Georgia.

**2 minutes later**

And I didn't even care about the Luuurve God.

**1 minute later**

Definately a case of severe red-bottomosity.

**1 minute later**

Went back into the party. Sven had taken off his furry shorts and was walking around on his hands. His undercrackers were furry.


	5. Up Crap Creek Without A Whatsit

**Disclaimer: I'm getting sick of this! Surely you must know by now that I didn't invent Georgia!**

**Up Crap Creek Without A Whatsit**

**Still Saturday 6****th**** July**

**Bedroom**

Same bat time, same bat place.

After the accidental snogging fiasco, I was in a serious state of confusiosity. I kept looking at Jas really meaningfully. I signalled to her that I wanted to talk to her outside by raising my eyebrows and nodding towards the front door. But the Queen of Subtlety was so busy drooling all over Hunky and his vegetables that she didn't cop it. She said, "Gee are you alright? Your neck is having spasms."

Eventually, I gave up and dragged her and her stupid fringe out into the garden. She sat on the wall and said, "Gosh Gee it's a great party isn't it? Everyone looks really marvy in their-"

I said, "Jas, please be quiet. I am back in the oven of Luuurve." I told her all about me snogging Dave the Laugh to within and inch of his life and about the body pressing. I am so glad I have my bestest matey Jazzy to confide in. Otherwise I would be up crap creek without a whatsit.

Jas just kept nodding her head like a nodding rabbit. And then do you know what she said? No, you don't, so I shall tell you. She said, "Georgia you are a tart."

Honestly…

I said, "Jas, I am not a tart. I cannot help it if I hear the call of the horn."

Then she did that 'Hummpphh' thing that Grannies in the street do if you accidentally stand on their Terrier.

We went back inside to keep up the pretence that Jas was showing me some interesting twigs. Hah! The party was in full swing. Jas went off to dance with Tom but she was looking over at me and raising her eyebrows. And Dave kept looking at me like a Seeing Eye dog. What was I, a looking at thing?

I stood and sipped my drink and played it kool and the gang. I even listened to Ellen dither on and on about Dec.

Jools said, "So what number have you and Dec got up to?"

Ellen 'said', "Well, we… erm and he… and well…"

And Rollo went, "Dec says number 6." And Ellen nodded. She went as red as two red things on holiday in Redland.

Thank Sandra that Rollo answered because it would have taken her three years to get to the point. We all probably would have missed Rosie's wedding.

It was then I noticed Dave the L. walking over. He looked serious. Oh no! Not Dave the Unlaugh!

I said, "I've just remembered, I didn't put the handbrake on!" and ran out. As I was running home, a thought struck me (not as in it hit me on the head you fools! I merely mean realisationwise). And it was this; I don't have a car.

I snuck into the house through the backdoor and crept really quietly up the stairs. I don't know why I tried. Vati's snoring and coughing could raise the dead.

**10 minutes later**

So here I am. In my teletubbies pyjamas, snuggled down in my bed of aggers.

**1.05 a.m.**

Angus, Naomi and Gordy have all crawled into bed with me. So that just makes Libby, Charlie horse, scuba-diving Barbie and Mr. Across the Road's garden gnome. And the Von Trapp cat family. I literally only have about a centimetre of bed to myself.

Angus never has a problem with red-bottomosity. He doesn't want to lick any other bum-oley except his Burmese sex kitty. And he doesn't like it if she goes off with other cats. He biffs them with his paw. Hard.

Maybe I can be like Angus and Naomi and Jas 'n' Tom. I can gird my loins and just have the particular horn and not be a tart anymore. Eschew it with a firm hand and Devil take the hindmost and all that. Problemo solved.

**1 minute later**

Simple pimple.

**5 minutes later**

If it's that easy, why can't I do it?

**Sunday 7****th**** July**

**9.00 a.m.**

Dragged myself out of my bed of confusiosity and wandered downstairs. Mutti and Vati were giggling in the kitchen. They just have each other and _they_ are happy. Even though Mutti can't cook to save her life and flirts shamelessly with Dr. Clooney and Vati has a gerbil nesting on his chin.

**9.30 a.m.**

Just looked in the mirror. My hair's okay but I think my nose has grown overnight. I read somewhere that your nose never stops growing but your eyes always stay the same. That will be fanbloodytastic. I'll have mice eyes and a conk the size of Switzerland. Thank you, God.

**10 minutes later**

On the bright side, it's not as big as Vati's. Pretty soon he will need a wheelbarrow to lug his schnozz around. And that's just the left nostril.

**15 minutes later**

Looked in the 'How To Make Any Twit Fall In Love With You' book. There isn't a chapter on 'What to do if you bag yourself an Italian Stallion but keep having accidental snogs with your Horn Adviser'.

**Phoned Jas**

Ring, ring.

Someone said, "Hello?"

"Jas?!"

"Oh, hi Georgia. No, it's Tom."

"Hi Hunk- eh Tom, can I speak to Jas?"

"Yea, sure. JAS! IT'S GEORGIA. SHE PROBABLY WANTS TO

TALK ABOUT HER SNOG WITH DAVE THE LAUGH!"

Then I heard Jas' mum in the background. "Georgia and Dave the Laugh? I thought she was going out with that Italian boy?"

Jas shouted, "SHE IS, BUT SHE KEEPS SNOGGING DAVE THE LAUGH AND NOW SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!"

Radio Jas strikes again. With a vengeance.

Tom came back on the phone, "She says she'll be down in a minute. She's just rearranging her owls."

That was when I hung up.

**5 minutes later**

I am never speaking to Jas again. At least not if I want it broadcast across the country. She gets more listeners then the BBC.

**20 minutes later**

My life is a facsimile of a sham.

**Phoned Jas again**

"Jas?"

"Oui." She was chewing on something. Probably her fringe.

"So?? What happened after I left?"

Chew, chew. "Well, everyone was a bit confused. Why _did_ you run off?"

"I didn't want to speak to Dave."

Chew, swallow. "Oh, right. Well, everyone was saying 'Where has Georgia gone? Is she insane?' Some Foxwood lads thought it was groovy that you had a car though."

Phew.

"But don't worry. I told them that all you had was a pair of Power Rangers in-line skates."

Poo.

**3.00 p.m.**

Erlack a pongos!! I've discovered the source of _l'horrible odeur_ in my bedroom. I was rummaging under my bed searching for my black bag and I put my hand in something slimy. It turned out that Mr. Potato had died a horrible death and was rotting happily away under there. It was really just a pool of mush. Lovely.

**A/N: This is only going to be short bcause I hate writing notes!  
Firstly, a little shout out to everyone who has read 'Stop!', especially those of you who have reviewed. I didn't think it would, but it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside knowing that you don't hate it! :D  
Also, it has been a year or two since I studied French for the 'oul Leaving Cert, and I am the first to say that I am a little rusty! I was horrendulafied(as Georgia herself might say) when it was pointed out that I had made a mistake. Red was honestly not the colour of my face! I'd call it maroon. I was uber-relieved when I copped that 'Quel est le point' really _does_ mean 'What is the point?' It is '_Comment_' that means 'How'. All was well! I beta for myself and it's good to have a second opinon on my writing, even if everything turns out to be alrighty! Cheers anyway for keeping me on my toes!**

**emz-f500 xxx**


	6. Hang On, Let Me Get My Pipe

**Disclaimer: I don't own Georgia or ****any of her confessions.**

**Hang On, Let Me Get My Pipe**

**Wednesday 10****th**** July**

**11.00 a.m.**

Mutti and Libby have gone to a Mother-Daughter swimming class.

Enough said.

I don't know how Libby is still allowed in Playschool. She's already had three restraining orders put on her. And that's just the classroom's petting animals. She doesn't take after me. Sanity at all times.

Except the time I went to a party dressed as a stuffed olive.

I think I'll do some of my light calming exercises to prepare myself for the day ahead.

**5 minutes later**

I'm bored.

**1.30 p.m.**

I've decided to get started on my summer reading for Stalag 14. Typico. I always thought that the summer holidays were to relax the brain muscles and keep our noggins in tip top shape. Clearly not. Our reading list is nearly as long as Wet Lindsay's legs, and that's saying a thing or three because she is literally a forehead with legs.

I can't imagine how Astonishingly Dim Monica can stand all day and talk to a lone forehead. It must get vair, vair boring.

Anyway, the first 'Classic' on the list was _Pride and Prejudice._ I looked in the back and it's something ludicrous like a million pages long. So, using my geniosity, I am watching the film instead. It's _far_ more interesting to watch Keira Knightly and whatshisname then to read about men prancing around in tights and wigs like transexualists. But you can't tell people.

**30 minutes later**

I was just enjoying one of the 'pridey' moments when Uncle Eddie came stamping through the front door. I had heard his clown car on the street but I was hoping he'd come down with a case of Elderly Insanity and call in next door instead. No such luck.

I pretended to ignore him but the bald coot didn't notice. I turned to tell him to go and play with the traffic. And that's when I noticed his head. Blimey O'Reilly's uni-brow and Spiderman pyjamas! Uncle Eddie was wearing a toupee!

**2 minutes later**

_Gute trauer._ He and Vati should start a club. 'I have a small animal nesting somewhere on my person.' He seems to think it makes him look fifteen years younger. No twenty, judging by the way he is poncing around, running his fingers through it. Probably how he ended up bald in the first act.

**20 minutes later**

Oh what comedy! My sides hurt from laughing. While Uncle Eddie was waiting for Vati to get his ridiculous trousers on so they could go to a loon convention, he started telling me yet another one of his 'jokes'. Midway through 'What do you call a green canary?' he had another one of his laughing spazzes. He bent over because he was laughing so hard, and his toupee FELL OFF!

Angus and Gordy were catting about nearby. Angus, of course, thought it was his prey and tore it to shreds, and then ate it. Oh what larks!

**1 minute later**

Not.

**Thursday 11****th**** July**

**9.30 a.m.**

Woke up from a dream where my nose fell off and Angus was attacking it. I leapt out of bed and ran to the mirror. I had forgotten to sellotape my fringe down so it looked like I had been dragged through a bush backwards. Everything was ok, nosewise. It is still a bit on the large side, but you can't have everything. I shall have to get back to 'reigning in' practice.

**1.00 p.m.**

I think that we should add 'body pressing' to the snogging scale. It was double cool with knobs. I think it should be number 6 7/8.

**1.05 p.m.**

**Phoned Rosie**

"Hello?"

"Guten nachmittag."

"I want to add something to the Snogging Scale."

She said, "Hang on, let me get my pipe."

**10 minutes later**

Rosie has agreed to add 'body pressing' to the scale. Apparently, Sven has started doing it too. But on the other foot, he snogs Rosie _while_ he eats.

If Sven does it, is it normal? Hmmm.

**3.00 p.m.**

I was trying out some of Mutti's lipsticks, when the doorbell rang. She picks the worst colours, how am I supposed to borrow them? No wonder she ended up with Vati.

I was trying on a 'gorgeous' shade of brown, when Mutti shouted up, "GEE! DAVID IS HERE TO SEE YOU!"

Oh no!

Dave the Laugh.

Here.

I hope he's not here to talk about the accidental snogging incident! I hope Dave the UNlaugh is gone away on a holiday to Wales and it's raining and he's forgotten his raincoat and… Shut up brain!

Quickly looked in the mirror. OhmyGod! OhmyGod! My hair looks like one of those afro wigs. I didn't bother to fix it this morning. I don't have time to wash it. I'll just comb it out.

Vati said, "Why do you look like Russell Brand?"

**30 seconds later**

Found a hat and rammed it on my head. It will have to do. If he asks I will say I was on my way out for a jog.

I almost fell down the stairs and found Dave the Laugh in the living room with Libby. She was showing him 'Dancing Bean'. He didn't seem to be scared by it. Actually, he was laughing. Wow, he's groovy looking when he laughs.

When he saw me he smiled and said, "Nice hat."

That's when I noticed it in the mirror. It said on the front _'I do yoga for the VIEW'_. Bugger.

**1 minute later**

I couldn't take it off and show him mad Jackson Five afro so I said "Ahahahahahahahahahahaha." Which wasn't exactly filled with glamosity because I forgot to reign in my nostrils but it was better then 'Can I eat your shirt?'

He looked at me and said, "Do you want to go for a walk?"

**In the Park**

**10 minutes later**

We're just walking along. Brrr. It's a bit nippy noodles. Good job I wore my extra strength boulder holder today. Don't want another nip nips incident. I think I need to go to the piddly diddly department. Shut up brain.

Dave looked at me. He said, "Gee, you are probably one of my best mates. I don't like to see other blokes messing you around, so as your Horn Adviser I think I should tell you. Masimo's not as marvy as you may think. He has the Universal Horn. I think he likes _way_ more then just one skirt."

I laughed and said, "What he's been kissing his boyfriend on the side?"

He looked really angry and he shook his head. "He's been kissing other _girls_ on the side."

_Non..._


	7. Covered In Cat Hair And Carpet Fluff

**A/N: Hey hey! Just a quick one! I really want to know what you guys thought of the last chapter. I'm not sure if it came out the right way (oo-er)****, but I can change it if it's crap. Also, I kept this a bit shorter 'cos it's a bit more serious and I'm not sure if it's even funny. Reviews are good! :D**

**Disclaimer: This completely belongs to Louise Rennison. She is a genius in a skirt.**

**Covered In Cat Hair And Carpet Fluff**

**Still Thursday 11****th**** July**

**Bedroom A.k.a. Blub City**

In bed. Blubbing.

I can't believe it. How can this happen? Now I know that I am being paid back for having the Cosmic Horn. My red-bottomosity must have been showing under my skirt and Big G must have seen.

He hates me for not going to mass and sitting through Call-Me-Arnold's sermons. It's not my fault I thought the confession box was the toilet. They shouldn't have such stupid rooms any road.

Dave said that some of the Stiff Dylans have been chatting to Masimo while he is in Italy. Masimo had bragged about all the good-looking girls that he was meeting in Rome. Dave had heard it and thought that I should know, since he couldn't give him a big duffing up because he is on the other side of the Earth.

I couldn't help myself. I started to tear up right there in the street. I am such a hypocriticalist. There I am, having accidental snogs right, left and centre with the Hornmeister, and I expect Masimo to eschew girly chickeroos with a firm hand? Now I know what it feels like to be a red herring.

He put his arm around me and I sobbed and snotted all over Dave the Laugh's shirt, but he didn't seem to mind. He said, "Sex Kitty, Luuurve is a complicated world in which we live." I'm sure he was trying to cure my blubbing but honestly, I didn't have the foggiest as to what he was on about.

Dave walked me all the way back to my house. I tried to put on a brave little smile but I think he knew. He kissed me on the cheek really sweetly and said, "S'later, Georgia. I'm so sorry that Masimo doesn't realise that you're as fantastic as you are. But I do." And then he turned around and went off down the street.

And even though I was really really blubby, I felt a bit funny. Kind of like I was happy that I didn't have to be with Masimo anymore. Kind of like I quite fancied Dave the L. But he is with Emma. And she is far nicer then me.

**5.00 p.m.**

Maybe I have to share the Luuurve God with others. It _is_ a bit selfish to keep him all to myself when there are poor lonesome girls out there that don't have any God's. Luuurve or otherwise.

Nauseating P. Green for example. She can't even _see _any Sex Gods approaching because of her bizarre glasses.

I should be happy that I have had two Gods in my life. Even though one moved away to snog sheep and the other went away to snog Italian birds. And possibly men.

**6.00 p.m.**

Mutti came in and sat on the bed. She rubbed my hair in a really annoying way that just made me blub more.

She said, "Gee? I've made jam sambos and chips. Would you like some?"

I was so upset I couldn't even answer. Eventually she left the plate beside my bed and left.

Even Libby came in to try and cheer me up. In her own mad way. She didn't even say anything, she just gave me a loan of her 'blankin' (which is one of mum's old bras) and a lollipop. It was covered in cat hair and carpet fluff but the thought was there. I think.

**Phone rang**

Mutti and Vati had gone off on a 'ramble' (you see what I have to put up with?) so I dragged myself out of my bed of tissues and picked it up.

I said, "Hello?" but really it was more like 'Hhhhullooow?' because my voice was all sore and hoarse from crying.

"Ciao? Georgia?"

It was Masimo. I nearly hung up from fright but Gordy was sitting on the telephone end, so I couldn't. I think he thought it was his cat-bed. The two _are _right in his cross-eyed line of vision.

"Oh, hi."

He sounded concerned, "Georgia is there something, how you say, not okay?"

Time to bite the bullet. I don't know why anyone would want to chow down on a lump of metal. I'll tell you this for free, it would snap your incisors clean off. I said, "Well, no actually. Something is not okay." I was a bit shocked that I could speak without sounding like a complete ninny. _And_ I managed to say it in English and not a language only understood by my Granddad.

He just said, "Oh."

"Yes. Some people have told me, well, one person has told me, that you are seeing other people…as well as me…"

Then he said, "Oh."

What is with the 'oh'? Can I have another vowel please Carol?

"Yes."

"Georgia, caro, I have said I am free man for you. Only you."

"So you haven't been off snogging other skirts? I mean, girls?"

"No. I am for you to be my girlfriend. And I am still liking for you to come and visit me in Roma, if you still wish to come?"

"Ehm..."

"Maybe who says these things is jealous of us, cara?"

Dave the Laugh? Jealous?

**10 minutes later**

It turns out that Masimo hasn't been running around with Italian tarts. I don't really no how I feel. I know I should be on cloud ninety-nine, having my Luuurve God back and all. But I can't help thinking, why would Dave the Laugh be jealous? And why would he lie? He has his gf.

Yet again I am full of confusiosity.

Oh why can't my life be a simple as Jas'. She loves her giant pantaloonies and Hunky and badgers. She never has any worries. Well except where she is going to get more ginormous knickers from.

I am surrounded by _les idiots_.

**30 minutes later**

I can do a fantastic impression of a lockjaw germ.


	8. Who's Laughing Now, Oh Lardy One?

**Disclaimer: Unfortunately for me, I do not own the rights to Georgia. Tear flick**

**Who's Laughing Now, Oh Lardy One?**

**Saturday 13****th**** July**

**Loonville**

It's only a few days to go until me and Mutti are 'Leaving on a Jet Plane' or whatever it is those daft people say. I have emptied out all of my wardrobe in case I accidentally forget something important like my spare pop-up tent or Vati's foot-spa.

I'm so nervy about seeing the Luuurve God I'm taking special measures. I have to start packing today, and then I can begin my beauty routine. I'm arranging all of my things into two piles. Clothes and make-up.

**30 minutes later**

I've forgotten to have a pile for shoes. I better start again.

**2.00 p.m.**

My wardrobe is a shambles. I have absolutely nothing to wear. At least nothing that I would want the outside world to see me in.

I said that to Mutti, "Mutti, I have nothing to wear. I'll need at least 200 squids to buy some decent clothes. I can't go to Rome dressed like an urchin. We are representing Her Maj's country after all."

She just pretended not to hear me. She was trying to 'cook' Vati some lunch. I didn't know somebody could burn a salad.

**20 minutes later**

Mutti is being so unreasonable. She won't give me any money for just a few essentials that I am sure to need while we are away. Last week I had to rummage in the sofa for a few measly pounds to buy a new lip-gloss. The things I have to do.

**Wednesday 17****th**** July**

**Bedroom**

**5.00 p.m.**

Success! I've finally got all of my things packed up. It's taken a few days and three broken shoe-horns but I managed. I'm quite impressed that I could fit it all into just 5 suitcases. And Mutti says I don't travel light.

**45 minutes later**

Vati has just seen all of my suitcases. I give him my biggest smile, (nostrils restrained of course) but he has had a complete nervy b. His face was as red as a tomato and his beard nearly ran away from fright. I'm positive I saw steam come out of his ears.

He said, "Georgia! What the ruddy hell is this?! Don't think that you are taking all of these on the plane! This lot will cost an arm and a leg!"

I let him have his nice long rant before I calmly explained that I needed to have all of my make-up with me in case of an accidental Luuurve God sighting. It wasn't my fault I could only have 15 kilos in each bag. Otherwise I'd have ordered a palate. But the ancient mug wouldn't listen.

"I don't care if you are going to visit the queen of bloody Sheba! You are not taking all of these!" He stormed off and I heard him yelling to Mutti.

"Connie, for the love of Jesus, where are my blood-pressure tablets!?"

Rant on.

**30 minutes later**

I have gone through all of my things again. I can't see anything that can be taken out. I know the weather in July is a bit warm but what if Italy has a snow-storm? I cannot leave my ski-suit behind and that's just that.

**5 minutes later**

Maybe I won't need Granddad's boxing gloves.

**1 minute later**

Erm… Or will I? You never know what they get up to in these far-eastern countries.

**10.00 p.m.**

Our flight tomorrow is at the crack of seven a.m. I don't want the stewards and pilots to see me with sleepy-bags under my eyelids. I think the best thing to do is just not go to sleep. That way I shall be fresh as a tulip for our 'jaunt', as Ro-Ro would say.

Speaking of complete bonkerosity, all the Ace Gang called yesterday to wish me tatty-bye. Jas even had a little blub because I was leaving. She said it was her hay-fever, but I know better. They all did a mad bout of Let's go down the Disco dancing right in the front garden to see me off. Then Jools and Mabs presented me with a pair of knickers with the Italian flag on. Marvy. I'll miss them.

**2 minutes later**

Well, most of them. Ellen even takes half an hour to say 'bye'.

**3 minutes later**

It's one word.

**10.30 p.m.**

Oh how I adore airhostesses. They live such glamorous lives filled with adventurosity. Flying to different countries and saying 'Tea or Coffee' in thirteen different languages. I think I may become an airhostess. As we all know I am a cunning linguist. Plus, pilots are a bit of alright. Mutti loves a man in uniform. Yes, I think a career in aviary arts is right up my alley.

**10.3****1 p.m.**

If I'm not too busy being a kept woman of course.

**11.00 p.m.**

Since I'm not going to sleep I think I can risk doing my make-up now. You can never be too prepared.

**12.00 a****.m.**

Okay. My make-up is done. I've gone for a natural look. Just a hint of blush and liquid eyeliner. I like to think the flicked-out eyeliner makes me look like I've got a touch of Italian in my genes.

That is what I like to think.

I've even added a neckerchief. It might just impress Masimo's _Mama_. Considering she hasn't a word of English and Italian is my sixth language. After reindeer. For Sven.

**12.30 a.m.**

Now for a bit of light reading. A couple of chapters out of Mutti's self-help book. 'Boost Your Self-Esteem In Ten Easy Steps'.

**15 minutes later**

Phwoar! No wonder these people need help! Step 5 is 'Love your body'. I wouldn't want to love Mutti's thighs, I'll tell you that. Her leg hairs are like razor-wire when she lets them grow. Gordy and Angus use them as scratching posts.

**5 minutes later**

Why does she buy these books? I'll never know.

Step 3, 'Be positive'. She wasn't very positive when I borrowed her _Prada_ sunglasses and they fell down the loo.

**20 minutes later**

This is good. Only a little while left before I'm off to Masimo-Land. I am so full of excitosity. I can't sleep I'm so… snore.

**Thursday 18th July**

**Morning**

I awoke the next morning face down in 'Ten Steps to Self-Esteem'. Libby was jumping on my bed doing 'Sex Bum'. I pushed her off and went to the bathroom. On my way back, I saw myself in the mirror. Double _merde_ with knobs. My eyeliner had smudged all over my face and I had a serious case of panda.

**10 minutes later**

Waterproof eyeliner! What nob invented it?!

**Airport**

Just arrived at the airport. Vati's come over all Indiana Jones. He tried to show off in front of a Hen Party by picking up all of our suitcases at once. He is so absurd. He thinks he's something out of Gladiators.

**2 minutes later**

He could be _Wolf_ I suppose. He is just as hairy.

**10 minutes later**

Vati has just made a 'hysterical' joke about my eyeliner incident. He and Mutti had a nice long laugh about it on the way through the car park. He is such a turd.

**5 minutes later**

Haha! Karma is magic! We were just walking through the doors when Vati tripped over a stray bag and went down, nose first, in the departure lounge. He probably would have hurt himself if he hadn't landed on all the bags he was carrying to demonstrate his 'super strength'.

Who's laughing now, oh lardy one?

**A/N; Don't eat me! I know it's been ages since I updated, but I had major technical difficulties… mainly, my computer EXPLODED. Imagine if you can, a bomb going off in **_**Dell**_**. That'll give you an idea. Anywho, it's back working now so enjoy!  
emz-f500 xx**


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